Episode Transcript
What you're saying doesn’t make sense! It has no relevance to what we are talking about. What the heck are you talking about?
The look I received seems to shift between surprise and "should I cry or find something to hit this stupid man with?"
Luckily for both of us, it wasn’t the latter.
Okay, for the last 3 months, my girlfriend has told me that a lot of her checking account balance has been eaten up by NSF fees. Okay, I can understand that can happen: an emergency, an impulse purchase.
But three months in a row? And the extra money for the NSF fees was now in the hundreds.
Then, to make it worse, I began to apply logic. Did you enter the check amounts in the ledger? And why didn’t you ask me for the money to cover it, or ask me for the money period?
The answers I never received but actually knew were: why would I look at the ledger? I knew I didn’t have the money in there. And why would I ask you for the money, and risk you thinking I am not managing my money?
Then she said, and I had to pay my coworker back for the money I owed her.
Now I am speechless; this is an intelligent, capable woman. I have confidently entrusted her with many responsibilities without the slightest concern. And all of the obligations were fulfilled without a single problem.
So, who was this person I am talking to now?
Now, were my concerns legitimate? Yes, but did they take the whole situation into consideration? Unfortunately, “No.”
There were immediate conflicts: I shouldn’t have asked “why” because why makes a person defensive. It also made me sound judgemental.
As a man, a “fixer,” I heard an opportunity to fix. When what she was doing was telling me something, or venting.
Now, because of my attempt to inquire and fix things, she was probably feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or like a failure.
Have you ever been in the middle of this kind of chaos and suddenly realized you are no longer talking or arguing about anything to do with what you thought was the original subject?
Open mouth insert foot. And had she gotten defensive at that point, I would have been defensive too. I had accidentally caused a conflict from trying to be helpful.
I haven’t found a foolproof way to detect whether I am being asked to fix something or just being vented to. But what I have found to be useful is to bring up an instance where neither seemed to be the right answer. Then I could add, from this point on, I will ask you which role I should play at the moment.
This came from a situation where my girlfriend was extremely upset that her unreliable sister had driven her car and brought it back just before she had to go to work, with an empty gas tank.
She was upset and said she was trying to get ready for work and didn’t have time to get gas on the way. I asked if she wanted me to go and get gas while she finished getting ready. She said no. But continued the conversation about being upset.
Then she mentioned that she couldn’t believe her sister had done this. I am thinking to myself, that is what your sister does. I was about to say something to that effect; thank goodness I didn’t. But I did something equally as bad. I confused the issue with logic.
Well, babe, maybe next time you shouldn’t let her borrow the car the same day you need to go to work. She snapped, “You are always there for your family; that’s my sister.” Okay, I thought to myself. I didn’t tell you not to be there for your family, and yes, I know that’s your sister.
But more importantly, what happened to the main point of this conversation? I then decided I would exit stage left before I caused a problem. Then she followed me and kept speaking.
Okay, so now you are just trying to be irritating. If I say something, I am wrong, and if I don’t, I am wrong. Is there an alternative that my small male brain cannot grasp at this time?
So, there I was making up negative narratives that she hadn’t said, and about to react to it. Finally, I had enough and decided to remain silent. That was saying I didn’t care to her.
She left in a huff, pushed pass me and snatched her purse and keys up, like they had brought the car back on empty, and our usual kiss and hug were replaced by two ugly looks and disrespectful body language. Two people in love, feeling unheard, misunderstood, and alone.
She didn’t call me at her break, and I didn’t call her. She finally called at lunch. By this time, I had calmed down. The first part of the cool down was. I already know how her sister is. And this is not the first time her actions had caused an issue in our relationship. But, guess what? It damn sure was going to be the last.
As I listened to my girlfriend, I was unlike earlier in the day. I realized she was venting. All I had to do was be a supportive listening ear. She already knew the answers; she just wanted to know “her man” was there for her. I failed that test that time. But that was the last time, or at least I hoped. But I had a feeling there was going to be a lot more to learn.
"I've learned that being right is a wonderful thing... unless it costs you the relationship. These days, before I ask, 'Am I right?' I try to ask a better question: 'Is what I'm about to say going to help us get closer... or farther apart?'
This Week's Challenge
The next time your wife or girlfriend starts telling you about a problem...
Don't solve it.
Don't defend it.
Don't explain it.
Simply ask...
"Babe...do you need a fixer...or do you just need me to listen for a while?"
Then...
Do exactly what she says.
"Being right doesn't build great relationships. Being wise does."
